‘I had intimacy issues – do you know how stupid that is now!’.
I’ve been watching loads of Grey’s Anatomy lately. To be honest, if I hear one more time ECG/ He’s crashing/ Code Blue I might cry, it’s painfully repetitive and cringe worthy. But for the moment I’m hooked, so I’m going with it. It gives me 10 or 20 minutes respite from whatever I’m working on. And for some reason I like Meredith’s face. Not sure why. But I do.
Anyway, all this to say – in a recent episode Meredith says while she’s in limbo (literal limbo as she’s dying on the operating table) ‘I had intimacy issues – do you know how stupid that is now!’.
It made me think. For all the stuff we endure – the fears, the doubts, the insecurities, when it comes to the end it really is bloody pointless. It sounds obvious to say, but this whole fear holding you back thing is kinda boring.
I realise that we are spiritual beings in a physical world having a human experience, but the more I learn and experience the more I want to effortlessly be able to connect with my essence, not my ego. But man, it’s a battle! Love over Fear. It sounds simple and the irony is,that while in session, receiving or giving, I truly believe it is simple. And so I’m being mindful at the moment of how much I’m overcomplicating things by connecting with my ego and allowing my fears to direct me.
I’m struggling with a particular situation at the moment where my ego is winning. Even that statement, I can feel it having a little victory party as I type. But what I would love more than anything is to connect more to my essence, my core, my truth. But how?
I came across the following quote the other day;
It’s so true and yet, even though I know how much my world would benefit if I could only say these three things, I still resist.
I heard a talk by Sonia Choquette a while back where she likened the ego to that of a pet. And just like any good pet we have to train it and tame it. We need to remind it who is boss. I then came across a status update from Mastin Kipp;
‘You need an ego. Without an ego you wouldn’t be you. Without an ego, the promise of monogamy would not count because we are all one in spirit. We need an ego, it’s important that our self-identity becomes the servant of our spirit and soul identity of the heart. Don’t hate the ego, just make sure it’s in it’s proper place’.
It’s all part of the journey – learning to love your ego. The more you walk this journey the more you are able to identify where it is ego ruling or spirit ruling. At the moment with this particular issue I feel like I’m training my pet, but I’m at my wit’s end I just can’t be bothered to discipline it. But I know that if I don’t I’m setting myself up for a life time of picking up poop in the house.
I don’t have the answer at the moment. I need to sit with it a little longer. I’m tapping into my wisdom and asking the ages before me for help, for guidance, for awareness. Hell, they experienced it on some level too, otherwise I wouldn’t currently be experiencing it, so I know that they can help. I trust they can. And I trust that when it is time for my ego to get back into it’s corner it will.
So back to Grey’s. While what Meredith says resonates deeply, and I would like more than anything to move through life fearlessly, without my ego attempting to protect me, I have to remember that I am still a human. Spiritual first and then human, but in order to understand my spirituality I have to experience my human side, my ego.
So for the moment I’m experiencing and observing – without judgement. I wrote last week of surrendering. This week I’m now observing and surrendering. And learning.
Photos thanks to Pinterest http://pinterest.com/clarey22/blog-quotes-inspiration/
