I am a mistake. I am flawed. Living with Shame.

When I did my coaching course we were taught that all limiting beliefs stem from a need to feel safe, a need to feel loved and a need to feel worthy.

A need to feel safe makes sense.

A need to feel loved, ditto.

But the need to feel worthy. What does that even mean? And so it comes as no surprise that this appears to be one of my core life lessons. To feel worthy.

I’m on a course of essences at the moment working through this process of worthiness. The bottle comes with the following affirmation;

‘I am a soul birthed from the light, my value is innate. I know my worth’.

My personal affirmation is ‘I believe I am worthy of love and connection’. It’s a big one.

My misalignment with this belief governs how I am in relationships, whether they be intimate or friendship, it governs my success, it governs making choices that serve me.

And so of course what should I stumble upon this week – but the Brene Brown TED talk about Shame (http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html). And so the penny drops that little bit deeper….

Over the years, I’m talking 30 odd, I’ve noticed a pattern. A pattern which I have always labelled as feeling guilty. It would present itself through interactions with friends in which I would somehow wind up feeling what I perceived to be guilt.

Brene describes guilt as a focus on behaviour. Guilt is, ‘I’m sorry I did something wrong’. And that’s when I realised, I wasn’t doing things that I should feel guilty for. I wasn’t cheating or betraying, or doing anything intentionally malicious, I wasn’t doing – I was just being. And yet I still experienced a reality in which I felt bad. A feeling I was describing as guilt.

But that’s the thing. I wasn’t experiencing guilt. I was experiencing Shame.

Brene educates that shame is the focus on self. It is ‘I’m sorry, I AM A MISTAKE’.

She explains that shame is ‘do it all, do it well and never let them see you sweat’. Whenever I feel like I’ve done something wrong, that I don’t meet another’s expectations, that I do something less than best I give myself a really really hard time. I try and reinforce to myself, ‘I am not a bad person’. But deep down, I feel I am. I can’t shake the feeling that I have let someone down, done something wrong. That in some way, I am flawed.

About this time last year I was driving with a dear friend and we were talking about vulnerability. And how both of us were living and breathing it. Learning to be ok with it. Because at the end of the day, we weren’t ok with it. To us it was weak. It was gross. It was needy and it wasn’t in control. It was I’m not perfect, I’m not good enough and god forbid should anyone notice.

It was us attempting to avoid shame at all costs.

This friend and I were always repulsed by those who appeared uncomfortable. People’s neediness shot through us and left us wanting to run a mile. Because let’s be honest, that is how we were feeling! But so desperately trying to hide it. (Shame – ‘Never let them see you sweat’).

So back to this worthiness stuff. I’m on a journey with it. And thank the heavens I am. I mean shit – how can I not feel I’m worthy? I am a soul birthed from the light, right?

From an ego perspective, I know like most, my worth has been challenged. I remember numerous times when I was little feeling raw, and sick and like I’d been destroyed. This was always based on how someone reacted to me, if someone accepted me, if I felt like I’d passed the test.

I clearly remember being little, really little and wanting this older girl to be my friend, to accept me. But she didn’t. She accepted my sister though. I remember crying uncontrollably. I was beside myself. To my little self it reinforced that I was not good enough.

This is a pattern ingrained. This is a pattern I came into the world with. And it is a pattern I am determined to not leave with.

I can proudly say, that this friend and I who drove together that day pulling apart vulnerability have moved forward in leaps and bounds. I cry now. I admit when I’m sad and needy and lonely or when I feel like I’m failing. I’m not so proud to pretend I’m not. And my goodness it feels good. Of course though, it’s a work in progress.

Brene finishes her talk by saying;

‘Empathy is the antidote to shame. If we are going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path’.

As I mentioned before, weakness is never hot. It’s not sexy. But it is life and it is human and really when you think about it, the times people are at their most raw they’re letting you play witness to a part of their spirit that is speaking out from the depths.

‘When your fear touches someone’s pain it becomes pity;
 when your love touches someone’s pain, it becomes
 compassion. To train in compassion, then, is to know 
all beings are the same and suffer in similar ways, 
to honor all those who suffer, and to know you are 
neither separate from nor superior to anyone’.


—Stephen Levine

What an honour to play witness to this. Don’t let shame ruin it.

Living with shame cuts us off from the world. It cuts us off from ourselves. As Brene says, ’empathy is the antidote’. This empathy need to be for ourselves as well as others.

‘A wave looking into herself will see that she is made up of all the other waves and will no longer feel she is cut off from everything around her’. 

– Thich Nhat Hanh.

Are you worthy? Do you shy away from situations and people in which you don’t feel perfect? I’m getting there. As I said, it’s a work in progress. But I have to say I feel more powerful each day as I peel back the layers, finding the courage to let people see me sweat.

Photos thanks to http://pinterest.com/clarey22/blog-quotes-inspiration/