Broken Hearted

‘How long have you been home for?’ my Kinesiologist asked.

‘4 years’ I replied.

‘4 years’ she said a little surprised.

And that’s when the reality really sunk in. I’d been nursing a broken heart for 4 years. Jeeeeeesus.

At the beginning of the session the emotion that came up was ‘broken hearted’. We had to dig a little deeper to identify what this emotion really meant to me – what came up was panic, devastation and desperation. Sexy emotions, no?

Like most people in the world I’ve had my heart broken. To be fair though, I thought this had mended. I hold no animosity for the person who did said breaking, I genuinely felt that I had moved on years ago. Everything runs its course and I could accept this, consciously that is.

Subconsciously, I was clearly less forgiving.

The pain I had once experienced was enough for my ‘protector’ to raise alarm bells anytime something heart related was on the horizon.

In the session I proclaimed, ‘This is nuts! Am I really this scared of being hurt again?’

She simply replied – ‘Yes’.

As she proceeded to remind me, Love is the ultimate form of vulnerability. It’s out of our control. You can’t control how you respond, let alone how they respond. It’s a total head f*ck. One totally worth it of course, but I suppose for the relationship that f*cked with me the most, it allowed me to experience the greatest depths of vulnerability and this scared me. I remember feeling raw and exposed. I was the opposite of my controlled self, life was unpredictable, I often felt I was governed by another. I was emotional, I was needy, I was just not cool. You can understand the efforts of my subconscious mind wanting to protect me now.

Over the years I found it very easy to remember those times that reinforced the experience of Love as a risk and a painful risk at best. My ego, effortlessly brings these forth screaming, ‘See! See! That’s what you’ll get if you fall in love and THIS IS HOW YOU’LL FEEL’. But interestingly after the session I started to remember all the times that were worth it. The joy at being vulnerable but working in unison with someone, of feeling exposed but ok at the same time. Of having that intimate connection you only get in a relationship, of seeing yourself reflected in a way only a relationship allows. I had chosen to forget these times.

I had arrived at my session with the intention of seeing what was coming up around love. For I knew in my heart of hearts there was a block. I like to consider myself a Queen of Manifesting and to be successful at manifesting you have to detach from the outcome. My reality, was my evidence. I was far from detached and definitely blocking on more than one level.

This year has certainly seen me play with the different frequencies of letting go of control, detaching and being ok to be vulnerable. This has been in all areas other than love though. They say that being ok to be vulnerable is the ultimate power. It really is surrendering to all you are in this very moment. Just as importantly it is being able to trust that you’ll survive and thrive through whatever happens.

I recently listened to Dr Joe Dispenza explain the science behind how and why we keep experiencing the same situations over and over. He states ‘we bring to ourselves situations that fulfil the biochemical craving of our body by creating situations that meet our chemical need’. It’s nothing short of an addiction. As he says ‘an addict will always need a little bit more to get a rush or high of what they are craving biochemically’. The more we experience the same situations our neural pathways are reinforced creating a bigger neural net to attract more of the same. Pondering this I realised I didn’t want more of the same. I was ready and willing to create a new neural net.

So how do we do this?

We have to interrupt the automatic reaction and instead observe – without judgement. We then must reinforce the thought we want to think and act this way. In doing so we start to create new neural pathways and neural nets so in time the body will start to attract realities that match this and not the old non serving addiction.

‘Our brains are no longer seen as rigid entities. They’re now referred to as being like plastic and we can shape them and steer them, and we do it by inching and building and clumping our way forward’.

– Sarah Wilson

As I’ve said before, awareness is key. You have to realise you’re doing what you’re doing, otherwise how do you know? This is where learning and understanding yourself and being responsible for your stuff is paramount. Seeing my Kinesiologist allows me to override my conscious mind and tap into those neural pathways. This is just one way of doing it though. For you it could be another way. Regardless, find your way. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE SUBCONSCIOUS MIND. It is wonderfully powerful and protective, but unfortunately it is a child at heart. I cannot stress this enough – when you find yourself reacting as opposed to responding I guarantee there is a small hurt child in there attempting to protect you. If I think back to ‘the relationship’ it was rejection and disappointment I know I experienced as a child. Who didn’t? That’s not the point though. As a 31 year old woman I am ready to acknowledge that I no longer need the same sort of protection.

All this to say, the most important information I took away from my session – forgiveness. Forgiveness of self, for allowing myself to fall in love and be totally vulnerable and to forgive the one that had helped me learn this gorgeous lesson. For he has been one of my biggest teacher’s to date.

This new year I’m giving myself a gift of forgiveness. With my heart feeling lighter (the lightest it has felt in a long time) I know I’m onto something good. A meditation I listen to states ‘The Elephant, never forgets the lessons learnt and instead keeps the wisdom, releasing the past and keeping the awareness of change within’.

I like the sound of this. So I’m going to do it.

If you too are nursing a broken heart, or if you’re holding on to past grievances take a moment and indulge in what it would be like to acknowledge the lesson, release the past and allow for your own inner wisdom to guide you to something better? As I’ve said before, get out of your own way and just wait and see what happens.

Photos are thanks to Pinterest http://pinterest.com/clarey22/blog-quotes-inspiration/