Anxiety sucks.

Do you know I’ve just realised in this very moment that it’s exactly one year today that I left the corporate world. That I left the security and the safety of a regular pay cheque. That I left the excruciating discontent of the role of was doing and moved into a role that brings me endless joy and endless lessons and at times, endless anxiety!

We have to constantly manage our fear don’t we? It’s all good and well to say choose love over fear, I say it all the time, but to live it is another story entirely. I decided this year to live as best I could with integrity and that means I have to walk my talk. So if I say ‘choose love over fear’ I need to live this, but in this very moment I’m finding it hard. The fear is there and it’s causing a nervous unsettling vibration in my gut.

I feel paralysed. I feel like I’m stuck in fight or flight mode. I’ve balanced myself, I’ve had the luxury of receiving a balance and I’ve done all my normal bits and pieces. Meditated, EFT’d myself, walked, breathed, stretched, phoned a friend… and you know what I’ve realised, that today via love I am choosing not to judge myself for it and to instead surrender to this feeling. Not to try and fix it but instead accept that some days you just feel anxious.

I can’t see what next week looks like. I can’t see what next month looks like and this sends me into overdrive. Sure at best it makes me work harder, but sometimes it has the opposite effect and as a result I sit paralysed unsure of my next move.

I think fear of failure is up there causing my paralysis. But that’s the thing, I’m too proud to fail and I believe in what I do too much to think it will fail. But there’s energy shifting, deep in my DNA, it’s pulling and tugging. I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true. Something is working its way out of me which is why I’m feeling what I’m feeling so intensely.

I truly believe, as I know many of you who read this blog do, that we come into this lifetime to learn specific lessons, so that our soul can evolve. Just like we’ve inherited physical characteristics from our parents and their parents and so forth, so too have we inherited their emotional stuff and their reactions to life experiences. It’s in our DNA.

In my DNA is the need and want to control. To know. To be able to see far enough ahead so that it provides me with a sense of security and safety. It stems back generations. I know it. But my problem with wanting to control is that it goes against the grain of how I want to live my life. I want to live my life trusting and having faith and connecting with my inner wisdom. I don’t want to have to know cause that’s when I get in my own way.

I’m doing the work. I’m putting in the effort. My intention to help is pure and good and yet my ego won’t allow me to be satisfied with this. It screams – you need to do more! I’ve gone this week from feeling an incredible sense of peace one day to feeling so not at peace the next day. I won’t lie, it’s been a head f*ck.

One year on, I know it’s time to take my business, my dreams, my purpose to the next level. And for some reason I am riddled with fear in doing so. I desperately want someone to come along and say, here you go, here’s the blueprint. See right there, you’re going to have this conversation and you’ll then receive this opportunity and it’s all going to be ok. I guarantee it.

But that’s the thing, if I do connect with my inner wisdom, if I connect with the generations past I know I don’t need to see this blueprint. In all of my being I know it’s all going to be ok. It is ok. Right now. And this funk I’m experiencing is the exact funk I’m meant to be experiencing for it reaffirms that fear does suck and that love is the better option.

I havent been able to write this blog all week. The words would not come, there was no flow, there was no heart in them. So I didn’t force them. I honestly surrendered and trusted that they would come when they needed to – and they have.

And there’s my lesson. Surrender. Surrender to this feeling, surrender to trusting, surrender to not knowing and not wanting to know and surrender to knowing that this too shall pass. Already as I finish typing this I can feel the anxiety working through me.