I just got back… from rock bottom.

This post as been started and stopped and deleted too many times to count.

When I’m blocked, my writing becomes blocked. The inspiration just isn’t there. The words don’t come. I waffle. And this pains me greatly. For those of us who use words to understand ourselves, to make sense of our circumstances, when the words don’t come, won’t come – I know you understand my pain.

To put this in context…

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been a shell of myself. Exhausted doesn’t even come close to how I’ve felt. It’s been a physical exhaustion. An intellectual one. Emotional. Energetic. Spiritual. I’m pretty sure it’s called burn out.

Which brings up so much stuff…

Shame – I should know better. I help people with their own burn out. What the hell am I doing?

Sadness – I can’t keep doing this work if this is going to happen.

Hope – it’s time to do things differently.

Sometimes (when we’re not listening) the Universe and our soul co-creates to give us an almighty serving so we finally pay attention. This isn’t punishment, although it can certainly feel like it.

I know why I’ve ended up feeling like this. There were cues along the way to do things a little differently. Take a break. Eat more vegetables. Get your arse on the mat, do the yoga. Look at what’s going on with your boundaries – physically, energetically, spiritually. Admit you’re not ok (to yourself).

Over the last two weeks I reached out to my nearest and dearest. I was vulnerable with them, admitted I wasn’t ok. None of it helped though (temporarily it would) but then I’d be back to feeling the heaviness of everything, of life. Of feeling it in my bones, in my spirit. And the reason for this – I wasn’t admitting to myself that everything wasn’t ok. And above this, I wasn’t accepting that I wasn’t helping myself.

My teacher often said “it’s not until the pain gets so great that we go ‘shit, it’s time to really change something’.”

So while I was lying collapsed at what felt like rock bottom, I kept berating myself for having gotten there. That was until I truly surrendered and realised it was simple, I had to accept where I was at, and do something different. No more excuses. Things needed to change.

This time of year is tricky for many of us. We’re run down, at the end of our tether. Light at the end of the tunnel, so close, so far away. Parties are happening. Social obligations to be met. While the year winds down, certain aspects of it amp up.

I’m going to invite you to ask yourself a few questions.

Ask yourself, are there things you need to do be doing that you’re not?

Like having a night in. Keeping up the exercise. Switching the wine for a water. All the stuff we know yet forget to do from time to time. Meditating. Connecting with nature. Having a session of sorts. Are you wishing someone or something would come along and support you, save you from your misery, yet you’re not supporting yourself?

If you feel like life at the moment is in a repeating cycle of behaviours, situations, people – and you’re wondering why things aren’t changing, check in and see your role in all of this.

As I said, this time of year is tricky, super tricky. We’ve all had a big year. Our reserves are low. It’s easy, so easy to feel like life is happening to us. Which automatically makes us powerless to it. When we become conscious however, and I’m talking super conscious over what we are creating, we then have the power to change it, amend it, or keep repeating it.

The choice really is ours.

So ask yourself, what are you choosing now?

And as always, a huge part of what’s kept me sane (it was touch and go there for a bit) kinesiology sessions. Cranial/ chiro work. Good friends. And eventually (via much resistance) yoga.

Help yourself however you need to. Don’t think about it, do it.

All my love, Clare.