In my head. *Sigh*

One thing I always forget when I travel – is just how much I get in my head. Right up there. Caught. Swirling. Feeling trapped.

Thoughts run rampant. All the ones that haven’t been able to surface due to the schedules and to-do lists that exist back on home soil.

Which is funny, because the anticipation of getting away, of travelling, leaves me breathless with anticipation, with hope. Possibilities, daydreams becoming realities. Peace and relaxation. Time for just me.

But the reality is – I get severely in my head. Every time.

And yet I crave travel more than I crave most things in life. I of course don’t crave getting in my head – but I crave getting out of it. Of working through the inner ramblings, of sitting with what needs to shift. Of seeing the beauty in the pain.

I was chatting with a new friend (oh how I do love travel) and we were discussing our addictions to it. We questioned whether we use it to escape, to run away? But after a lengthy chat we realised that it’s the uncertainty, the stretching that gets us going.

When I’m away, I get to hear myself. I get to experience myself in ways where I have to take a step back and check in and ask, was that really in alignment with my truth?

And thank goodness.

I recently made another new friend (again, oh how I do love travel). He point blank called me on caring way too much what other people think. It floored me. It made the heat rise up from my belly and it made swallowing hard. I felt exposed, I don’t like being exposed. I had been called on my stuff, I don’t like being called on my stuff.

But ultimately – I don’t like not being accepted, I fear rejection. And so yes, I do care way too much what other people think.

And in this craving for the acceptance of others, in the need for validation, I am reminded of my intense want of acceptance of self.

On so many levels I know I have this and if I’m totally honest, coming away this time I thought, yep I’ve got it sorted. I feel the most confident, the most grounded, the most in my power I’ve ever felt. I even bragged to a dear friend when I arrived just how far I’d come.

But then I get in my head I judge myself incessantly, which of course makes it all the more worse. And especially because I’m a Kinesiologist, I’m a Coach, I have tools to help me with this. Right?

Sure. But sometimes, you just need to sit in your crap. You need to let the thoughts bubble to the surface. You need to feel the pain, not rush to get out of it. You need to let it pass.

But for me, the beauty of getting in my head, of recognising patterns, is that when it does shift I get to recognise the gift for what it is. That is, it takes me away from my essence so that I can get closer to it when I return.

Because we always return.