I have something to admit.

I have something to admit. I’m obsessive. And that’s hard to say. Because … for me, obsessive means that I’m a level above controlling. And I find it hard enough to admit I’m controlling. So obsessive – well it brings up a lot of stuff.

Being called on ‘my stuff’ is never pleasant. My ego gets hurt. It gets bruised. It panics. It has to sit with what’s been received. It need to process it. I have to give my ego time to be ok. At first, when it perceives to have been caught out, it freaks. It retreats. It either goes into an intense dialogue of self berating comments, automatically collecting moments of the past to reinforce the self berating or it goes into poor me. Either way, I retreat. I go into my head. I attempt to escape from the world.

But lately, I’ve noticed I’m better at being called on ‘my stuff’. I’m ready to hear the stuff I need to hear. On so many levels I’m stepping out of my comfort zone, in business, in friendships, and it’s happening at speeding light too, so it makes sense that these less than desirable qualities are coming to the surface with the comfort zones expanding. When you say you’re willing to show up, you don’t just get to show up for the bits you like. It’s the whole kit and caboodle.

I have the benefit (although this is debatable at times) to work in a field where people know how to read you. They know how to listen between the words. They know how to pull you up on your stuff.

So when I was having a conversation with my esteemed colleague yesterday and the topic of being obsessive was raised I went into an unfurling state of shock. Everything started to unfold with rapid speed. As a result, in order to protect itself my mind seized. My body became agitated. I retreated. I knew I had just tapped into something, something I was clearly resisting.

And so I surrendered.

I knew that the realisation and acknowledgment of this trait could be the exact thing to free me.

I often say ‘resist persist’. And of course consciously I know what this means. But on a core level. On a soul level, I don’t think I did until yesterday afternoon. It’s one thing to understand something, it’s another to experience it.

 

For the things I want in my life, if I’m honest, I obsess over them. But by obsessing over them I’m resisting what needs to be acknowledged. And if I’m totally honest, I’m resisting experiencing pain. For if I stop obsessing, then the pain will come. And I’m afraid of what the pain will bring.

I was afraid of what the pain would bring.

So what does this all mean? Well, with this new awareness, with being ok to admit it, with being ok to NOT judge it, I’m kinda excited by it. I’m curious to see where it will take me.

It excites me because I’ve just gotten to know myself in an entirely new way. I obsess. There, I said it.

Where to from here? I’m not sure. But with any new awareness you then have greater choice in how you respond to life. I’m curious to see how these new filters will allow me to perceive it.

To my esteemed colleague – I thank you.

Clare Woodward is a Sydney-based transformational coach and kinesiologist who believes that really knowing yourself is the key to a happy, self-loving life. Using a combination of powerful techniques, Clare empowers people to lead the kind of authentic, fulfilling lives they want and deserve. She peels back the layers to help them let go and live (consciously and) with intention, and in doing so, steers them towards their very best self – emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. In a nutshell, Clare helps her clients to realise and live their potential, every day.