Jip and Janneke
They say everything in our reality is a reflection of us.Which must mean that the perfection you see in another is your own perfection staring back at you.
And by perfection I mean realness, rawness and authenticity to the max. Not perfectness, but perfection. Because for me perfection lies in being and accepting all of you. Layer by layer. It’s not a striving towards, it’s an acceptance, a surrendering.
I had the honour of spending the past two weeks with a dear friend who offered me all of the above and as a result created a space in which I was able to do the same for him. We were mirror reflections of each other in which we learnt and grew effortlessly without judgement. I was ecstatically happy, I was snappy, I was vulnerable and I was sad and I was silly – all in the space of an hour! And I didn’t apologise for it. Actually occasionally I did – but only out of habit, not because I felt the need to. He allowed me to be me, and in doing so I was able to accept myself that little bit more.
It had been a really really long time since someone I cared for had been in my space. Someone to wake up with, someone to go to bed with. And nothing kinky, just good old friends, like bunk buddies. Meals together. Walks together. Honesty and depth and laughter and lightness interwoven moment after moment. Silence and knowingness with no urgency to break it.
But he left yesterday. Which has left me feeling – like I haven’t felt in a very long time. It’s left me feeling sad, yet satisfyingly so. Which sounds bizarre, but is so true. In this moment I feel so raw, so peeled back, so exposed and yet so humbled by the experience.
My darling flatmate gave me some sound advice. It was along the lines of ‘ we don’t own it, it is not ours’. Which rang true, for it reinforced that it really is in the detachment that the beauty lies. Not so you avoid it, but so you accept it, you surrender to it, you get out of its way so it can do what it needs to do. I am sad as I write this, but I can acknowledge it, and as a result it’s not consuming me. It’s ebbing and flowing. I’m not attaching to it and as a result it’s passing through me.
This lesson of detachment has been cropping up continuously this year, but especially these two weeks past.
Out of choice I let go and detached from my normal business routine, I let go of my exercise and eating routines, I let go of the boundaries that often encircle me and the walls I can so easily put up. I chose to relax and just be. The choosing to let go, made me feel vulnerable and exposed. But you know what? Life continued and it continued in a much better way. It continued without me getting in the way of it. The clients still made appointments (without me fretting), my very capable body did not fall apart (I thank it for this) and the opening of my heart and letting down of the walls allowed me to connect with someone in a way I have so badly been craving to. That’s not to discount my other very real and beautiful friendships, but you can’t deny that occasionally you come across a special soul that takes you from an old way of being into a new way.
I’m usually not good with the rawness. I over analyse it. I critique it. I call friends about it. I judge it. I assume it means something is wrong. I try to get out of it as quickly as possible. But these experiences and awarenesses of late are allowing me to stay with it. Experience it without judgement.
A part of me wants to hold onto the past two weeks with a deathly grip, which I know is just my head freaking out that I won’t experience anything like it again. But my heart knows, that this little victory in experiencing myself in a deeper and more honest way has taken me closer to loving more of me and by not resisting I will continue to move to new levels.
As I said in the beginning, I feel so humbled to have been able to experience myself this way. And to have shared it with and through someone else floods my heart with gratitude.
So my sadness as you can see is a satisfying one. I’m not distraught, I’m just being real and raw and honest. And it feels good.
To my dear friend, you know what you mean to me, for all the laughs and for all the tears. I thank you. I’m so grateful I got off the bus that day.
Photos thanks to Pinterest http://pinterest.com/clarey22/blog-quotes-inspiration/
